Sustaining a Life I'm Not Living Anymore

March 24, 2020

Official Quarantine Day 1

I can’t sleep. It is 7:25 a.m. and I have yet to go to bed for the night. I started to hear the birds chirp before I even brushed my teeth. This is the norm lately; staying up for 30 hours at a time until I finally crash. There is no sense of routine, no sense of purpose, only mundane tasks to complete, trying to sustain a life I’m not even living anymore.

I think this is part of the problem with not only “social distancing,” but relocating myself and re-positioning my plans…insomnia. There are no timely obligations to motivate me to keep a healthy sleep schedule. The only regularity and consistency I experience are petty arguments with my brothers, anxiety about school, financial stress, the 6:30 news, and all-encompassing boredom.

This Pandemic is so wildly unsettling because we are all forced to be still; to experience true boredom for the first time in a long time. When Psalm 46:10 said, “Be still, and know that I am God,” I don’t think any of us understood that there is a considerable amount of discomfort in the stillness. We are all suffering in isolation together.

Yesterday Mike DeWine, the Governor of Ohio, issued an official “Stay at Home” order, effective at midnight last night. I support this and strongly encourage everyone to take this order seriously. We are in the seventh hour of the order and my skin is already crawling with angst. I am so worried about completing my schoolwork. It is one thing to sit and write a blog about my perspective on our situation; it is another to study, write a research paper, log into a lecture, and virtually collaborate on group assignments.

Working toward a degree is anticlimactic in general; doing it like this is enough to make me reconsider my “goals” altogether. 

“Work from home.” “Study in your PJ’s.” “Catch up on personal projects.” “Finish the stack of books on your nightstand.” “Finally, binge-watch all the Netflix you want.” It sounds like a fluffy way to describe a vacation, a lifestyle of ease, minimal stress, and maximal comfort. So why does it feel so suffocating?

I am pro-staying home throughout the Pandemic; I believe it is wise to practice social distancing, but I miss the classroom. I miss the interaction, the discussion, the sense of purpose, and collaborative intellect. I miss the excitement of being in uncomfortable spaces and the relief of coming home after a long day.

These times are hectic and uncertain, but they are also a painful wake-up call to how much we take for granted about the luxury of existing in a public, ableist society. I just want to go to a coffee shop and read Glennon Doyle with the white noise of people chattering around me. I want to sit in a lecture hall and worry about going up front to give a presentation to the class. I want to go for late-night karaoke-car rides with my friends. I want to buy overpriced bottles of wine at a gas station and sneak them into the dorms. I want to grab a crappy veggie burger from the dining hall and lather it in ketchup from my minifridge then eat it with a plastic fork because I forgot to get a bun.

As a nation, we are discerning who is truly “essential personnel.” The truck drivers, janitors, shelf-stockers, pizza deliverers, drive-thru cashiers, mail-people, nurses, doctors, caregivers, pastors, reporters, parents, activists, policymakers, and whoever is in charge of making sure Netflix stays operational. 

As individual people, we are learning what is essential to us in a different way. What relationships do I value enough to keep in touch with? How badly do I want this degree? What expenses do I need to cut out since I’ve been laid off? Do I really want to watch Tiger King or am I just bored?

It’s more than re-prioritizing, it’s simplifying; realizing that, when it comes down to a state-wide lockdown, there are far fewer things I’m willing to invest emotional energy into than I once thought.

Nothing feels real. It's a fever dream that's not jarring enough to scare you awake, but just boring enough to keep you asleep in a state of panic. It is stress accompanied by boredom, which just feels like a fresh coupling of anxiety and depression.