Ms. Mess

Ohio Quarantine Day 33 -- I think.

I've always had mixed feelings about marriage, about having children, about committing to a way of life. I vowed never to drop my last name regardless of my relationship status and to never add an “r” to the middle of my prefix. I will be Ms. Pauquette till I die (I would also accept Dr. and/or Madame... in due time.)

So basically, all that is to say I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago. What a thing to do in quarantine. I don’t want to use this blog to explain my reasoning for needing to be single again. But I think there is something to be said for the way this amplifies the stillness we're all feeling together right now. 

For me, there are no more distractions. The semester is wrapping up, the novelty of underage drinking has expired, I’ve almost finished all my books, and binge-watched every episode of Tiger King and Little Fires Everywhere and Fleabag and That 70’s Show. It's no longer quirky to wear unwashed sweatpants; homemade coffee just isn’t the same; avocado toast is losing its hipster charm, and I’m not sure what I did to deserve a sibling with musical talent, but I’ll be investing in earplugs pretty soon.

With this transition out of a relationship and back into singleness, the stillness has changed its tone. And I think that's a good thing. I feel a spiritual stirring, a priming, an uncomfortable peace. Like I’m being stretched for something that is about to come. I am dropping my agenda to prove that spirituality is or isn’t something, and I’m ready to listen again.

Dad always says that our minds are like parachutes. They only work when they’re… falling out of an airplane.

I no longer have a cause, a plan, a physical community, a classroom, or an audience, and I realized some things. I find so much of my identity in the people I surround myself with. My external support, community, and socialization are how I validated my existence and worth. The way I think other people feel about me directly impacts the way I feel about myself... if that makes sense. This does not necessarily make me an extrovert, it makes me a human, a pleaser maybe.

I think that before we can be built up, we have to be stretched. So I'm hopeful. I'm still a mess, but I'm kind of okay with that. Messy people seem to be the most interesting anyway.  

I've been reading Glennon Doyle's latest memoir, Untamed, and it has rocked my world. Honestly, what are you doing reading this? Go read THAT! Glennon talks a lot about choosing to disappoint other people before you ever disappoint yourself. That a strong woman does not abandon herself. So this is me not abandoning myself. 

Anyway… life is still happening. I need to dance. I need a latte and a hug. Also, wash your hands. That is all.